Birthday Peace

December 26th. My birthday. The day my existence is acknowledged. The WORST day in my life besides Christmas. Great. I feel like every year that one day should revolve around them. I am nice to people on their birthday because they deserve to feel good. I feel that important people in your life should be recognized for what they do and who they are. My birthday? I wake up to a great "Happy birthday Ms. Pissy." Wow. That's what every person wants to hear first thing on their birthday. The.  One thing I asked for was quiet--just to get to sleep in and have a little time to myself... but instead I wake up to that great saying and people trying to force store-bought presents down my throat. What ever happened to quiet and a little bit of time to yourself? How do people live like this? I need to buy a remote island.

Level

It's not that there's anything wrong with me, it's just that I don't think there's anything right.

Christmas

I don't mean to be the Grinch, but I really dislike Christmas... It's the time where your family comes together and pretends to be perfect for the sake of pictures that will last a lifetime. It's a time where tradition is kept and smiles are supposed to be baked. Where people come together to celebrate family. And I can't stand it. There's so many bad memories, and my family is gone. How do you celebrate a single day that ironically marks one of the worst days you can remember? How would you want to remember something so sad that it makes you want to burst into lonesome tears every time you see a Christmas tree? I don't. I don't like looking at Christmas trees. I can't stand the look of happiness on other people's faces. I can't be around so many people filled with happiness while I rot away inside myself. I cannot stand Christmas.

Imagination

It hasn't been until now that I realize what I believe in. Many people believe in religion, have faith, follow their instincts or heart. I believe in imagination. Imagination is what propels me forward when I think I'm done. It's what keeps me going when I want to give up. It's my savior from all the stupidity I find myself putting up with. I love imagination. My imagination is where I want to live. It's what I want to follow, it's how I'm going to choose to write my life. I need it more than anything, because without imagination I would be nowhere. I can't say I don't listen to instinct or other beliefs in my life; but more than anything, I believe in imagination. Without imagination, the world would go nowhere. So I am going farther than I ever thought I would be. I am going to live, and doing with the love of my life; Imagination.

You Will Never Be Alone

"I knew a girl who liked to draw.
She drew pictures that nobody saw.
She was most artistic at night, in her
bathroom,out of sight.
She didn't tell a soul and her gallery grew.
Her drawings were different, no
pencil or pen,
But needed a bandage now and again.
We stood by the river, under the stars,
She rolled up her sleeves and
showed me her scars.
She felt so embarrassed and looked
at her shoe
I rolled up my sleeves and said
'I draw too.'"

I found this online and I'm not sure who wrote it, but I find it to be so beautiful. No matter how different you are, or what problems or challenges you think you have, there will always be people out there just like you. If you are suffering, there is someone out there who is suffering with you, no matter how far away you seem to be. You will never be alone.

I'm Sorry To You

I really just wanted to say I'm sorry. Every day it continues to amaze me that one little word can mean so much. That one small thing can have so much power. I wanted to say I'm sorry because this time I finally mean it. I'm am ready to apologize and I am accepting yours. I am sorry that I said all those things after you were gone. And I'm sorry that you believed what they told you because no one should have to feel what you put me through. I'm sorry that I couldn't have held on longer because I realized that that was my plan: to hold on a long time. I'm sorry that the people you knew didn't approve of me. I'm sorry that we couldn't have gotten along and that you didn't listen to me. But I'm mostly sorry that you didn't give me a second try because I would've made that the best time of your life on Earth. I'm sorry that it doesn't exist anymore.

My Muck

Dull days file down to dust and life seems to slip out right from underneath you. You don't see the point in getting out of bed if you're just going to suffer through another day. Another day of facing people that have no importance in your life... another day of wallowing down and wasting away in a vat of nothingness. Some people have no idea what makes them upset, and they don't need to. I sit here typing and content, not sure what's got me so down, but at the same time I'm aware of a lot of things that could be better. I feel stuck in a mud I have created, and my life seems to be slathered with it. Right now writing is the only thing I find myself content with. I've been pulling away from reality and escaping into my own world. But it's ok because they know me there.

Who I Am

So much darkness and menace.

Delirious from the cold.

Biting like snapping turtles I look for fingers,

but can only bite off my own.

Why?

Because I am alone.

People call me crazy, happy, and strong.

But nothing goes right;

my whole life is wrong.

There's cobwebs in my corners,

Bloodshot eyes peek out from my skull.

I often dream of wasting away,

But I'm already almost nothing at all.

A shell of lies

I smile at people often.

But life is too  much work

and my skin is starting to soften.

I'm not a quitter,

but I give up on so much.

I used to love life,

but now I bring death's cold touch.

I screw up a lot,

it's hard with no family.

I don't try my best, 

And I'm alone if I can be.

But everyday I walk in

and I still smile big.

But in my mind I've slaughtered everybody...

For the bacon is better than the pig.

          --K.Y.K

Being Terrified

Sometimes reality eats you whole. Alive. The concept of being buried alive could be the same thing. I look at my life and I wonder if I am truly happy with where I'm at and who's in my life. And I tell myself I am because the people who are near me are nice and it could be so much worse. But then I think that if I had a chance to re-do a moment of my past that I would. Because there are so many ends that lay unraveled. There are so many people that I wish I could un-hurt and there are so many memories I wish I didn't have seared into my mind. I feel sorry to the people I have hurt unintentionally and the feeling sucks ass. To know that you could have done something to change the past and make things better. To know that it's too late now, and you want to do nothing more than to curl up in a ball and waste away within yourself; that is a horrible feeling. It's terrifying to not be able to know if you walk around everyday fooling yourself that you are happy, or if you are genuinely happy with your life. It's terrifying to think that you need help and there is no one there to support you. It's terrifying to remember everyone that you've lost, and know that you can't bring them back. It's terrifying to know that every night you continue to lay in bed on your tear-stained pillow and rot in your own head. And the person you want most is no where to be found. They left because you hurt them. They hate you. It's not even your fault, but they hate you and they aren't coming back. They were your safety net. They left and now you are alone.

Sometimes and Somehow

Sometimes you need to sit back and take a break. Sometimes you just can't carry on or go any further without a goodnight's rest or a break to just relax. We all have those times where we feel like we're dreaming... we float through the day, not quite understanding what's going on or where we are or why it's happening or when it will end. You just sort of move by some spirit's hand; all you know is that you're not the one who's moving through the day. You're not really numb, but you could be better. You're on the verge of crying, but your eyes tease you and water and put themselves back to sleep.Sometimes (how I was today) you are on the verge of puking but you silently suffer while nothing comes out. And somehow you know it's not your fault. You are not the reason that you're so upset this time around. Because the world is just stuck in a messed up place, and you are not the one that put it there.

Questioning Authority

I don't know how to interact with people. Interact. What a funny word. People seem like more of a pain than what they are worth. No one wants pain but without pain no one could be happy. Like in school... who is truly happy? People and pain and school. How do people come up with the worst combinations ever? Like home. Everybody loves to have a home. But some dumbass decided to hyphenate the word work at the end and then bam! Homework now exists. You take something enjoyable, add a sprinkle of something else, and then once again, running away no longer seems like such a bad idea. And maybe it's really not, I mean, you won't know unless you go, right? Or maybe left...ha. Who came up with those words? If you're facing each other then it's backwards and then your head wants to explode and who the hell came up with directions? They bring order but with their order comes so much chaos.  Someone says left and you know what they mean, yet your hand refuses to point in the right direction anyway. PLus what if left is really right? Not directional wise, but correct? Left could be right instead of right, right? Technically anything is possible. The only reason we are accepting of things is because society forced that crap on our throats. Everything you've known could be an illusion. You have the choice not to believe them, and maybe you don't, but you decide to keep your mouth shut anyway. You decide this because the people are in control, not the government, and you've heard of the way people get locked up because they are labeled "crazy." And you're a psychopath, but you've chosen to blend in so there's no chance of suspicion.

Warm Shell, Cold Heart

I want to enfold you in my arms and keep you safe. But it's not so much you as I need safety myself. When I reach for you, you become so far, and yet you grasp my hand so close. Our hearts could connect but if only the castle around mine could be free. If only it didn't have a dreary fog and snaking vines wound around the heavy air.  My heart sags and seams pop when your image appears in my head. I remember your blue eyes, so vibrant, even when tears attempt to drown them. I remember your smile, quirky and tugging at the corners of my own lips. But yet I stay oh so sad. I remain trying to understand the mystery of how happiness could bring so much sadness at the expense of smiles combining with tears. I want to enfold you in my arms and melt into you so we will protect each other. Your memory sears into my head until your arms have the chance to sear into my sides every evening. To make me feel enclosed and safe but cold and alone like the heavy stone that drops into my stomach. Moss covered and looking for light to warm up. The golden rays of your blonde hair warming only the water in my eyes.

Dreaming of gold

The thing about dreams is you never know where they're going to take you. You can't tell where they'll begin, or where they'll end, IF they ever do end. The swirls of colors; the swirls of yearning dancing behind your eyelids waiting to be revealed as you wake up the next day. Maybe there's a reason we don't remember our dreams, and maybe there's a reason we do. Dreams are the doorway to psychology. Dreams are the only way the world can truly speak to your soul. I believe the only way you may understand and figure things out is through dreaming.

Pot of Gold

By: Dianna Vermillion

Together we chased after the rainbow

to find the pot of gold; but in each other,

we found our own treasure to unfold.

Right Time

Her stomach quivered with anxiety. She aimed all of her focus at her rubbery legs to keep from tripping over her own feet, but the hesitation in her step remained painfully obvious.  She swore her forehead was glistening with drops of sweat, but every time she brought her up to her forehead there was nothing. She felt the gravel giving and then crunching under her shoes. The grey dust stained her toes as she concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other. Once again, the awkward silence had risen from it's grave. Besides the occasional car that drove past, it was so quiet she almost forgot they were walking side by side. Almost. It felt like a dream; a moment frozen in time; although the gravel stained his shoes just as real as it stained hers. She couldn't avoid it forever, no matter how damn good at it she was. She knew she could say no and walk out, but it didn't feel right. She had known this was coming and she had made her decision. For once in her life, her heart and mind were agreeing, even if it was with some hesitance.


"It's desperately sad, that this character who deserves so much, ends up with nothing again."

                   --David Tennant

The Dream of Reality

Dreams are always an extreme. Dreams can imprison you in your own mind. Encased in the folds of your thought process; either dancing on water or swimming through the depths of hell. Exploring your mind could be a ship getting pulled under by a kracken. Maybe you can sing. Or maybe your heart is upside down; it's screwed up but it still keeps you breathing. Or maybe a pair of eyes placed backwards. You may only ever see your head, but at least you can see at all. Dreams can carry fears. Fears are the unknown. Our dreams may scare us because they are a carrier of the unknown. They infect us with an idea and suddenly everyone runs, screaming. Our dreams could be controlling or our dreams could be releasing. Our dreams may eat us alive or spit us out. Maybe we are dreams, or maybe we are our own dreams.

"Your dream doesn't have an expiration date. Take a deep breathe, and try again."
    --Unknown

My mark

I'm not perfect. I will never be perfect. But I don't want to be perfect. While everyone else walks in white, I leave footprints in black. The smallest difference; a small drop of colored paint in a world sketched in gray scale. So while everyone else walks in white, I leave footprints in black. My footprints.

"somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue, and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true."
        --Lyman Frank Baum

The Possibility of Heroes

I can’t recall the exact place, the exact minute, or just exactly what it was that I was doing at the time. But I can tell you that it’s a sensation, not a memory. Growing up, you want nothing more than to be like everybody else. You see the book cover, not what the pages behind it are filled with. Maybe at one point you wanted to look like Barbie. Or maybe you wanted to be the strongest person in the world, like you thought your dad was. But that’s the catch: it’s only a thought. When you’re young you have the innocence of childhood. The moment in life where your parents, siblings, family, will always stick their necks out for you. They’ll hold your hand, be your best friend, do whatever it takes to see you grow your wings. But once you’ve grown your wings, the wind sweeps you off your feet and carries you away. Yes, you still label those people as your family, but they no longer hold your hand. They are not the same shells of the people you grew up with and thought you knew. Falling into adulthood lets you flip the front cover of that book. And you finally find out why you can’t judge a book by it’s cover; because the cover is so misleading. The hero figure that held you while you cried about the monsters under your bed is now the same one who pushes you into uncomfortable situations with hopes that you’ll learn from it. The older sibling that protected you from the thunder and lightning now makes fun of you in front of their friends.

To me it’s not a memory, but a sensation of waking up one day and realizing you don’t have any heroes and you don’t look up to anybody anymore. It’s the feeling you get when you wake up from sleeping. When the sky is half awake and half asleep, just like you. Confusion sets in as you realize you have no memory of how long it’s been since you first fell asleep. I came up in a time with no heroes because I cracked the shell of childhood. Heroes are a reflection in a pond to me. Sometimes you can see them, but in my life they never seem to be real. You can admire someone’s qualities, characteristics, looks, but is there really a single person you want to be exactly like? People screw up so many times. No one is perfect and you need to be able to except that. But I would rather know that I am in control, independant, and making my own mistakes, than copying someone else’ s. We learn from other’s mistakes’, but we don’t take note until they happen to us directly. If we try, we can avoid the world’s mistakes. I want to be me. I don’t want to sit around and be like someone else, or sit around and wait for someone to come save me. Because when you sit around and wait, you have no proof that someone will show up, and you have no proof that following their path will be the right choice. I came up in a time with no heroes because I choose to rely on myself and not believe in a chance that I’m sick of having to fix.





"A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not on the branch but on her own wings."

--Unknown

Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart

Those masterful images become complete
Grew in pure mind, but out of what began?
A mound of refuse or the sweeping of a street,
old kettles, old bottles, and a broken can,
old iron, old bones, old rags, that raving slut,
who keeps the till. Now that my ladder's gone,
I must lie down where all the ladders start,
In the foul rag and bone shop of the heart.

--William Butler Yeates

Create a path

You don't need to be a queen to be able to wear diamonds. You don't need to be a princess to wear a crown. You don't have to sit around and wait to be happy. You don't have to be locked up in that tower. You posses the power to escape. You are the key to your own door. You will be whatever you want to be. You cannot hold back or you will get nowhere. You keep moving forward, whether it be on foot or by wheel. You may look back as if a mirror, but do not dwell on the past. Do not let your mirror become magic and suck you back in. You have to create a life of your own, or live with knowing that you have chosen to follow someone else's path.

"There will always be a reason why you meet people. Either you need them to change your life or you're the one that will change theirs."

          --Madeline Sheehan

Bouncing Back

You have to be able to find a balance between happy and sad in your life. When you've hit rock bottom, the only place for you to go is up. When you hit the top, the only place for you to go is down. Unless perhaps you have somehow managed to grow a pair of magical wings. In which case, congratulations. Otherwise, we are all making our way in life. And each and every one of us is headed to the top. But you have to be able to know every feeling in order to survive. If you don't know happiness then how can  you be sad? And if you've never been sad then how do you truly know what happiness feels like?


"I don't measure a man's success by how high he climbs, but how high he bounces when he hits the bottom."

                         --George S. Patton

Pushed

She's tested the water and dipped her toe in. Now all she has to do is jump.
Or get pushed.
Which ever one comes first.


"Great works are performed, not by strength, but by perseverance."

             --Samuel Johnson

Influences

When you crash and burn, the only thing left to do is pick up and move on. I can't think of another way to say the truth so bluntly. When you hit rock bottom, the only direction left to go is up. When you run out of hope, you survive off of friends and faith. When you lose your heart, you learn to live without. When you have no money, you learn to make do with it and keep a smile. It's never the best, but we learn from our mistakes. What we do wrong, we are given a second chance to change the outcome. It is only a mistake two times, however. After two, it has become your choice. It is your choice to change your future, and to be influenced by others. The earth won't spin unless we all work together. We work together by making choices and influencing each other.


"Happy people know suffering more than anyone else, and that's how they can see just how damn beautiful their lives are. It's because they've seen the depths."

                     --Brianna Wies

Living

You could be the happiest person in the world. Living carefree and having no worries or fears. You could be that person, I could be that person... anybody could be that person. But sometimes you can't shake the underlying feeling that something's wrong. Sometimes you don't have a reason to be sad, yet you still are. Sometimes someone warms your heart, but that warmth is still encased in a cold hard shell. Sometimes it takes a lot to be happy, and sometimes it takes next to nothing. But you can't stop trying. No matter how much you feel you are suffering, no matter how bad you think life is, no matter how bad the people around you seem, you must not give up. To give up would be to lose. You would lose your choice to life. To breathe doesn't mean you are living. You need to LIVE.


"You can't get much done in life if you only work on the days when you feel good."

                                       --Jerry West

Moving forward

You are only given a life that you can handle. That doesn't mean you can handle it by yourself, but you will handle it.
You could use the phrase, "life is like a roller coaster," but personally, I think that is an excuse used because we don't have an accurate meaning or example of what life really is. Yes, we have our ups and downs, but roller coasters can't go side to side or backward and forward or even diagonal. Life chooses it's own path. Each individual's life is individual itself. We will all have problems. We all battle our own demons, and we all get burned, but some are harder to handle because certain beings are built to handle more. However, just because you can't handle a lot doesn't mean you're weak. It means you are trying your best (or not getting enough sleep). And that's why you have friends and family and everyone else around you. No one would be able to survive alone. We adapt to survive with different people in order to live. On this planet called earth, we survive with each other.


"It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is most adaptable to change."

                 --Charles Darwin

Without You

I've decided that I don't care what you do anymore. I've realized that I'm going to be ok and that they can take you away from me now. They've been trying so hard ever since they realized I was an important part. But without you, I'll be ok.  They can't bother me if I don't care if you choose them.  I'm seeing through all of their lies and yours too. So run, because there won't be a reason to stick around anymore.



"Around here, we don't look backwards for very long... We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things  because we're curious... and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths."

                                --Walt Disney

Fear?

Fear is a choice, not something that you have to feel. When you choose not to feel fear, your life gets better, your breath feels lighter, and your smile grows brighter. All from one simple decision.

Do better

Don't ignore the little things. DO the little things. The smallest detail can make the biggest difference in a person's life, from making them smile to wiping away their tears. You won't always be able to make a perfect impression, but it's the thought that counts. A single change in someone's day can brighten up the world just enough. Like a chain reaction, one single small difference can lead to many more, without even thinking about it. So give the world a second chance and look around you. You can do better.

Sanity

Until the storm clouds pass and the dark subsides, you wallow in your own shallow grave. Digging holes you can't get out of, trying to start a spark to connect to the outside world. Listening for a breath, a quiet sign that someone is actually listening to you. A sign other than your own heart beat, that someone else is alive. Maybe they care, maybe they don't, but it helps you hold on to what little sanity you have left.

For you

All you have the right to ask of anyone is for them to try. If you can get their best, then congratulations.

I've given my best, I've tried my best, I've done my best. Sometimes I don't feel like living, but I do anyway. Sometimes I don't feel like smiling, but I always find a way. Even on the brink of tears, I pull out a smile and whip out kindness. Why? Because no one needs to feel the way I do. I may not be happy, but knowing I can add  a little more happiness to someone else's day makes mine a little more worth living. I am the person I am today because there is no one else like me. I am here to help them, not me. I can help me on the way. But I am here for you.

I may not be where I want to, but I can look back on my life and be ready to die today. I may not have finished everything I wanted to, but I finished enough; I finished what needed to be done. I look back and can smile because I know I overcame that pain. I walked through the impossible and got back on my feet after being buried. So now I'm going to be here for you.

Fire

For all of you pyromaniacs out there, have you ever stopped and thought about why you like fire so much? About why you like burning things?

Fire is a beautiful thing. It's beautiful, yet destructive. It can cause pain, but when used correctly the infliction of pain can be avoided. The way the flames dance and lick at the air is mesmerizing. The colors, how they wave and change shades. How the flames flicker and sway with the support of the colors. Looking at fire is calming. I care stare at it for so long. It's quiet. Flames are quiet. The silence and colors and flames almost intertwine with your soul if you stay long enough. Imagine flames.

You are pyros because you find release within the flame.

Magic of sorts

When you have that "epiphany" you feel like magic. When that one person leaves, so does that feeling. When that feeling leaves, you don't feel the same. When you can't feel the same, that feeling will never exist or come back to you. Each feeling will be different, no matter how small of a difference it is. It will be missing.

Do better S, do better

I make monsters. I hurt people. I kill things. I make the world cold.
If I moved away from here... I have the option to... do you think that things would get better for you?

I wish you believed me and that I could help you...
But I never help.
I only ruin things
and I hurt them
and I destroy them
I kept dressing in white... because I thought maybe I could fit in with the angels or do something good
But I cant do anything right so I just wear black.

Because after so many people leave, you barely have a heart left
and you barely have anything to give.
And people get upset with you because they dont understand
I believe in you.
I believe you can do better cause all I do is rip people apart S,
I make monsters.

Be you

Everything in life is extremely better when you don't give a shit about anything. You can be free and do what you want to when you want to, and just be you.

No Regrets

So I found this old message that cropped up... I sent it a while ago...

o.o

i didnt... no please no i didnt mean like that i just... no

i keep killing everyone and I cant do anything about it 

My life is a fucking fail

and I'm srry I cant get through to you or help.

You're acting like you never want to see me again.

Im obviously not you're one if you dont even want to try for later...'

I cant do anything right...

do you see what I mean now, do you??

Cause this always fucking happens to me and i cant stop it.

I cant ever fix anything and I'll never be able to.

yeah maybe I do love you too. Maybe I'm fucking terrified of loving someone cause I have my heart ripped out so fucking much

me loving you doesnt even fucking matter to you anymore.

really, I don't have any regrets... not even the worst days of my life because they help me learn... but when you find something like this from the past, then you should understand that you need to change, or talk to someone. 

Keep the ones you love close. Apologize to those that matter so they don't leave later. And open your mind. You need to be able to think in order to change.

For sure

I know now that confusion is normal.  The human brain can never understand anything until it thinks. It has to be able to think things through and be able to process them before anything in life can become a fact. Before that, everything is a blur of confusion. While you think, you never know for sure until you are done thinking. And even after that, sometimes you never know for sure, or never will.

Mental breakdown

I need help. I know I need help, I know I need professional help, but I don't want to get help. You can't trust very many people. They screw things up and when you try to explain they don't get it.

My life has been getting progressively worse. More depression, more stress, drifting away from friends, not giving  single shit about anything anymore. Migraines, unfocused head, floating around in space, I can't focus on anything. And then it finally happened. Yesterday I finally snapped. I had a mental breakdown.

I ran around the house, I threw things, I beat things, I cussed things out, I screamed words that I didn't even know existed in my vocabulary. I attacked walls, banisters, anything I could get my hands on.

Afterward, I found myself curled in a ball laying on the cold hardwood floor. I was punching and attacking things within my reach. I was laying there, trying to see through my water-filled, tear-drowned eyes. Ignoring the tears that ran down my face and hit the floor. I screamed, I cried, I yelled, I sobbed. I couldn't catch my breath. I was gulping for air through all of my pain. I couldn't think. I couldn't make sense of how I got this way. It was a nightmare come alive. I was afraid of an invisible monster hiding inside my own head.

I shook my head and I remember sobbing "I don't want to be here." My eyes were puffed up and my face was crimson from screaming and crying. I pushed myself upstairs to my bedroom and changed into pj's. I wanted to give up so bad. I just laid there and cried. I gasped for air, I longed to be rid of the pain I'd been trapped in for so long.

From there I continued to have a meltdown until I fell asleep, cussing out my phone every time it dared to go off. I remember yelling things like "I don't want to be here," and "I hate my life," while the whole time I was thinking "I shouldn't be breathing, I don't want to breathe anymore."

All the thoughts from so long ago came back and consumed my mind.

Now I sit here and wait for the monster to come out again. To eat me alive and know that no one else knows about it except me. Except the creature that lurks in the back of my head; the one who whispers, teasing me daily; the one who makes me gasp for air and sanity to keep from going under. The demon who made me pressure scissors on my leg because it made the pain slide away.

The one I secretly fight; I'm fighting myself.

hurt

Why does it have to hurt so much.

The four doors

"The four doors of the mind for coping with pain: The first door is sleep. Sleep offers us a retreat from the world and all of its pain. Sleep marks the passing time, giving us the distance from the things that have hurt us. When a person is wounded they will often fall unconscious. Similarly, someone who hears traumatic news will often swoon or faint. This is the minds way of protecting itself from pain by stepping through the first door. The second door is forgetting. Some wounds are too deep to heal, or too deep to heal quickly. In addition, many memories are simply too painful, and there is no healing to be done. The saying 'time heals all wounds' is false. Time heals most wounds. The rest are hidden behind this door. The third door is madness. There are times when the mind is dealt such a blow it hides itself in insanity. While this may not seem beneficial, it is. There are times when reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind. Last is the door of death. The final resort. Nothing can hurt us after we're dead, or so we've been told."

                    ~Patrick Rothfuss~

Music and Mind

"A poet is a musician who cannot sing. Words have to find a man's mind before they can touch his heart, and some men's minds are woeful small targets. Music touches their heart directly no matter hw small or stubborn the mind of the man who listens."

                              ~Patrick Rothfuss~

Manipulation

He uses me. He chews me up and thinks he can spit me out. He feels like king of his world. But he couldn't be more wrong.

He plays with my feelings. He plants ideas in my head. He toys with my thoughts. But he couldn't be more wrong.

He eats at me. He spits me back out. He thinks he's winning. He uses me to his advantage. But he couldn't be more wrong.

He sits on his throne. His face with a satisfying smirk. Nothing could touch him. But he couldn't be more wrong.

I know him, he uses me, he thinks he wins every time. But he doesn't understand the sentence "Helpless damsel in distress uses manipulation." He hurts me and messes with me. But he doesn't realize that he's only scratching the surface. I feel accomplished. We are together, and he doesn't text or call or talk. He walked out, but he decided to apologize and come back. Why? Because I have him in my hand. He doesn't realize that he can't control me. He doesn't know that I'm controlling him. He tried to use me.... but I got him to text me. I got him t come back to me this time.He thought he could run away. But I've got him bound up tight.

People like him, who use people and hurt them just for their own game... they're messed up. Show me a game, and I'll teach you how to play. Because I'm a girl, it doesn't mean I can't kick your ass.

Keep that in mind next time you mess with someone. Especially someone who appears to be so fragile.

Looks are very deceiving.

Tonight

Tonight I will look up at the moon in the sky and know that you are under the same one. You could be looking too, but even if you're not, I know you're there, just the same. I know your trust finds it's way into my soul even when you're not here. I gave you my trust and you kept it. The one person, against all odds, who I can count on. Who ALWAYS comes through. I thank you with such meaning that no one will ever understand. I know you change, but part of the person I know will always be in there; the part I can trust and love. So tonight I will look up at the moon and remember your face, and everything you have given me. A best friend, a reason to live, a family, a conscience, fun, and most of all, happiness. So I will look at the moon tonight. And I will remember you and your beauty as a person.

Over

I didn't. I didn't cry for him... I cried for HIM instead. I'm constantly reminded of how unpredictable the world is, and how I'm a part of the madness. I certainly did not see that coming. I figured those tears would go to the person I thought I cared about. But instead they went to the person I thought I could leave. To the person who I thought didn't do enough. I didn't shed tears for the one filled with stupidity and smiles. I shed tears for the one in the shadows.  The one filled with pain and left in the darkness alone. Just like me. But he doesn't know how to talk to himself and ignore the pain. He seems to absorb and distribute it.
I could care less... but I can't.
And I can't figure out why I care so much. I thought leaving was good... but he stayed and it hurts to think of him.

And now it's all over.

Now I know he does care.
Just a little.
But it's too late now.

It's all over.

Done for

Today I just sat. I just sat there and listened to the sound of my tears hitting the floor. I messed up. I can't fix it. It will never be fixed. Not even if I say the magic words.

I just sat there and listened to my own pathetic whimpers and the slap of tears as they hit the ground. My vision was blurred and I couldn't see anything but a white cloudiness. I couldn't think. I didn't want to breathe. My nose ran. My eyes, for once in the mirror I finally saw all of the pain.

 I didn't want to think. I didn't want to think about the cuts. About the scars. About waking up and having to deal with it all over again.
And knowing that no one cares. That you cared with all your heart and now it's gone. Knowing that you can't save anything anymore. Knowing that everything has fallen to shreds. Knowing that and not even having to think about it when you're sitting there curled up on your bathroom floor.

That's the worst part.
 You don't have to think anymore to realize how bad the pain is. It's just always with you.

You can't fix it.
You can't get rid of it.
You can't block it.
You hide behind a mask.
Everyday.
Hoping that the end will be nearer than what you expected as a child.
Wanting the pain to go away.
Because your dreams all came crashing down.
And because of what you did, you know you are too.
You're done for.

No Sleep

Crying in my sleep again. I did last night for the first time in a couple months... I thought it went away finally but I guess I was wrong. When I cry in my sleep... that's how I know things are beyond repair in my life at that moment.

I'm saying sorry too much... but when you really mean it, it tends to sort of slip out multiple times... A lot.

Caring

Caring is hard. Caring about someone in particular is even harder. Because you know that when they're not ok, you won't be either. Being scared and worried about something that seems so small to others, but it seems to be the only thing you can think about. They absorb your mind, and capture your attention. To put it simply, it feels like you have placed your life in their hands, without even having a say in the matter. And then sometimes I wonder if it's possible to care too much... because if you didn't care, then you wouldn't have these problems in  the first place. Yet even through all of this pain... the only thing I want is for them to be better. I have stepped back from there life in order to make that happen. Yes, I admit it's hard... but even if it kills me, I know it will help. Even though I'm sick because of stress, even though I seem so angry and full of hate to so many people, I'm putting all of that aside and making sure that what is important to me has the chance to be happy. Because I forgot what happiness feels like, but it sounds amazing... and they deserve amazing.

Suicide--stop joking

You guys just don't fucking get it, do you?!  You always say, "oh yeah I know how suicide goes," or "they'll be fine," or "oh it'll pass, its not a big deal." Or you pretend to know... you pull the old, "Oh yeah, I'm sorry, I know how you feel" excuse out of your asses. BUT YOU DON'T FUCKING GET IT. You don't know what it feels like. You won't know until you feel that shitload of pain when you lose someone. All you feel is pain, and then it all goes numb. Completely numb. You feel nothing. You can't feel the pain, instead it just crushes your chest... you can't breathe; you can't think; you don't want to live; you don't know what to do; you become afraid to wake up everyday; and finally it all becomes too much.

Suicide doesn't just take it's toll on the person who's committed it. It effects everyone who knows them. People can pretend to understand, they can pretend they're worried and they can pretend what's going on. But they just don't fucking get it until it's too late. They don't get it and they certainly don't understand.

The worst part about everyday is knowing what that feeling is... knowing that at any moment one of the people I care about could drop off of the earth... and not knowing whether I could do something about it. Whether I have it in me to be able to save one more person that needs saving. I need saving, but no one's ever done that. So I need to be there. I need to be able to do it for others. But I'm worn down... and I've done so much... It's hard to fix things that are so wrong. To bring light into someone's life when all you see yourself is the dark.

                     I don't judge. I don't care if you think they're stupid because they want to die. What's stupid is making someone feel like they want to die. I'm going to stand by them even past the day I die. I want to make a difference to those who don't think they have anyone. I will love them. I do love them. And I will always fucking love them and nothing will ever change that.

that single person

There's always that one person that you think about... the one person who won't leave your head alone. The person you can't forget. How you feel for no one else. The one person that makes you feel like shit. The one who plays with your emotions, but you still come back to anyway. Cause one moment of happiness with them seems worth all that pain. The one person you continue to cry for, no matter how done you think you are with them.

sinking

That feeling that you get when you know you're lost.

Sea of lies

Sometimes there's so many lies and so many assumptions that the truth gets buried. It gets buried so deep that you lose sight of what you're going after. People get pushed away and feelings get broken. You feel like you can't breathe, and then you get piled up to your neck with lies. You don't know where to go or where to start, or where it all begins. You can't see the end of it all. You're completely lost and  you start to drown in it all. There's so many lies that you can't even panic. You can't panic because they're being told too fast; they're drowning you. You feel the suffering but manage to stay alive. You're gone. But you still see it all.

innocence

Sometimes I really miss those days where all I had to worry about was grabbing my mom's hand when I crossed the road.
Not losing her in the grocery store; freaking out about who used my crayons and broke them...
Life used to be so much simpler. Then what happened?

I was forced to grow up and mature much faster than everyone else because people kept screwing up. Parents can baby and spoil their children too much, but did you ever stop to think that maybe they push them too hard and too fast, too? That sometimes they're not ready to meet the rest of the world while they're still so young. That perhaps by doing so, you've actually ruined their life and the great future they could have had.

I hate everything about life but I still choose to wake up everyday. Can't that be good enough?

She's drunk. She's not coming home tonight. Again.

clear as a mud puddle

Once I wore all white for a change to see if I could fit in with the angels. To see if I could help people and do good. Only I'm not meant to be someone like that I suppose. I'm back to all black. White doesn't work for me and now it's clear to me why. Why I can never be an angel and why I can never change the repitition of history and what keeps happening to me.

it

"Fuck you, what you need, you can't get nothin' from me, You was talking shit now I'm somebody you would love to be, Imma do my thing until the day the reaper come for me, you can keep on grillin', Imma smile back."



                         --Smile Back, Mac Miller

ok

I'm done trying to please everyone. Go screw yourself. All I do is take hit after hit for everyone I know... I play it cool, no biggie, it never is. But every time I do something for me, they get upset. They get pissed because for once I'm happy. They get upset because they envy so much when they know nothing. I want to be me, and if you don't like it then walk away. End of story. Say bye and get over the fact that I don't chase anyone anymore.

"I don't chase after anyone. If you wanna walk out of my life then I'll hold the fucking door open for you."

                               --Wiz Khalifa

"The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do."

                                           --Anonymous

hidden dark

Today my friend looked me in the eye and said, "You are one tough chick."

I had to look away.

He has no idea what I feel like everyday. How cold I am and how alone I have been. I distance myself from people and lie now. I feel fake. He doesn't know that I come home and want to sleep for the rest of eternity. I want to give up. I want to cry myself to sleep every night, but I can't because I've cried so many tears I don't have anymore. I smile so much because I don't have any more tears to shed. They're all out. They're gone. Just like my heart. It disappeared. It blew up, vanished, something; all I know is that it's gone. I feel dead, but I smile everyday so no one asks questions. Once again I have messed everything up. Unlike everyone else, I'm finally done. I'm done with everything because there's nothing left for me to do. I can't look people in the eyes because then bad things happen. I can't give genuine smiles anymore because there's no reason left for me to smile. I can't think straight because my head is in a permanent fog. I cant breathe because the weight of the world is sleeping on my chest.

Breathing

I screw lives over, I mess things up. Everything I touch seems to die, even if I avoid it so it doesn't happen in the first place. I break hearts, I rip out feelings,  make monsters. I make people cold hearted just like myself. I can't do anything right and now I'm lying to people I care about just to make them happy. Suddenly me being myself isn't good enough anymore. It seems impossible to have someone like me for the real me. If I open my mouth to say one thing, someone always happens to be there to judge me. My friend found out my middle name and all they did was sit there and laugh at me. My ex used me to get to them... and you know what they did? They sat there and made fun of me. Some great world this is. -_-  Just freakin' amazing. No wonder no one wants to live anymore. You can't live when everything just feels like death all the time.

When people are crying and the innocent are dying. When the world is always fighting against itself and no problems ever get resolved. When someone tries to be happy but everyone just amplifies their pain instead. When people try to make you laugh but you want to curl up under a rock and die. When you have to hold back the tears every morning as you wake up because your life couldn't get any worse. When you paste a fake smile on everyday just to make other people happy. When you finally glue on that mask of fake shit because no one will leave you the hell alone when you seem down. Because the world doesn't understand.

But today I learned that there is a single person who does understand.... They may not be alive now, but just knowing they understand who you are can help.

Today I felt like I could breathe for the first time in my life. I could actually breathe. I didn't have to fake anything. I still had to hold back tears, but they were tears of relief, not tears of pain. Because I know that someone actually understands how to fix all of it. How to fix what others are too stupid and blind to see. The blind man sees much more than any person with eyes ever could.

I had almost forgotten what breathing felt like.

Me

I try and I try. But no matter how many friends I make, or how many people I think I can trust, or if everything finally goes right, I'm almost never happy. I know I don't fit in and I'm proud of that. But no one knows what goes on in my head. No one knows what it's like to be me. No one will understand how I think or why I think. No one will ever understand why I act the way I do or how I react because of my past. Never.

Best Friend

One genuine friend that will never get pissed at you. One person who can make you forget your life is falling apart with a single smile. Only one person that's always there when you need them, no matter what. He can always make me smile. Not the perfect person. The one that makes mistakes; the one that's imperfect. The one who laughs when he fails and just gets up to try again. The person who can see through my disguises as easily as someone can see through a magnifying glass. The only person in the world that you can trust with your life and everything else... even those secrets that will destroy you if they get out. But he still keeps them safe. Just a single smile on the rainiest day. My best friend.

smiles

The average person smiles over 50 times a day.  What does it mean if you only smile once?

A lost voice

Today I woke up without a voice. My voice disappeared and all I can do is cough. The great thing is I don't really mind. Sure, the coughing and burning throat sucks, but without my voice it is honestly harder to screw things up.

I can talk through so many different ways, it seems, just as long as I'm not directly talking. When I use words I  screw so many things up. But if I put them on paper, if I rearrange them into a picture, if I add music, it works. They understand me. But if I have to think too fast, I stumble over my own words and screw it up even worse. I don't know why I can't think in front of people when they want me to... it's too much right then and there, if that happens to make any sense.

My words get jumbled up in my mouth and then they decide to come out in a single landslide, no matter how bad they sound. They just hate me. A poem you can go back and edit. In the spur of the moment, words come out all at once and one chance is all you get.

Maybe that's why. Maybe expectations are too high these days. Maybe people don't think or believe enough. Maybe one chance isn't enough. Or maybe one chance is all you need and others should get used to having to live up to higher standards.

Tired

I'm tired of the pain.
I'm tired of the depression.
I'm tired of false rumors.
I'm tired of nosy people.
I'm tired of people assuming.
I'm tired of the same old thing.
I'm tired of people who won't leave me the hell alone.
I'm so freaking tired of hearing about your made up problems when I have my own to deal with. I'm tired of the attention hogs, of the people that constantly fight with me. I'm tired of relationships failing. I'm tired of trying to keep my head on while every one else explodes. I'm tired of everything that happens. I want to be done. I want to be done but I can't because it's not my turn. It's not my turn to decide yet.

run

If they don't come back to you then you didn't try hard enough.

Minds

The human mind is an interesting concept. How it works, it's thought process, what it controls. All of these work differently within an individual.
Some are filled with secrets.
Some are dark.
Some are confused.
Some are controlled by others.
Some are lost.
But a mind is a mind. A direct pathway to why a person does what they do; An explanation of why. A hidden answer to the question that can never officially be answered: Why.

Rumor Has It

What do you do when the person you care about believes the rumors going around that aren't true?

"Them" and me

They like me; I don't like them.
They want me; I don't want them.
They need me; I don't need them.
They back-stab each other; I float alone.
They  pretend; I'm original.
They're liked by everyone and hated by the world; I'm liked by few but loved by someone.
They're mean because they think it's funny; I'm mean because some deserve it.
Their parents pay for everything; I work for myself.
They're happy; I'm never ok.
They hope; I believe.
They wear make-up; I have confidence.
They cry to their parents; I suffer alone.

thoughts

You just sit there and think about how screwed up life really is. From society to your own mental problems, I don't believe that there is an escape. Sometimes at the end of the day you process the information and wonder how you made it through; and from there you find strength. But other times you wonder if you can make it through another hour. People selling shit, junk getting stolen, lives getting screwed over, innocent people dying...

Someone needs to take a step back and look at our world. How do we live in a place like this?

Lost

Right now I am at a loss of words. Each descriptor fails me. Nothing can be enough to describe it all... nothing will ever be enough to describe what's happening... The closest you could get would be the word death...

People wanting to die, people who wish to die, people who believe it will be easier to die, people who want to die because they think no one cares... people who want to die because they see no other alternative. Life finally captured them and pushed them. Pushed them far enough to the edge of the cliff where they start to wonder what it's like down there... they start to wonder what it would be like to fly. They want to know if maybe they can and maybe it will be better, even though flying for humans doesn't exist. Not yet.

It's too much pain and all you think about is making the pain go away. All you can think about is stopping it, thinking about how it could all be better so simply. How even though it sucks now maybe it will be better after.


You don't know that it will. You don't know for sure; you can't say it will get better. Because here on Earth it's the exact opposite.

Society

Expressiveness is hard. If you write your opinion, you get the opinions of critics that you couldn't care less about. When you write music, people have an ideal of how it should be written, taking your creativity. When you write a poem, people judge it and think it's stupid. When you write a piece in general, everyone wants to up your word choice or change it to meet their expectations. Well, guess what society, NO ONE CARES.

Our society today has certain standards for normality. These standards, I have found, absolutely, do not, whatsoever, fit to our generation of people We have a generation of people that are not afraid to be themselves. We do what we want when we want, and we are not afraid to get into trouble. We are revolutionizing the way the world thinks. Maybe others have grown up too fast. Perhaps it's not that we are too immature, but that they are too mature. Uptight, work-addicts, staring at their computer screens during 10-hour work days until their eyes pop out of their heads. The older generation that says no to fun and yes to "be careful at any cost."

So what do they do? They cage us. They ground us, they threaten us, they keep us hidden. But we keep them hidden from our world, too.

They hide the truth from reality.
If we have "problems?" Then they put us on meds to "fix" us.
If we stand up for what we think is right? Then they tell us we're talking back.
When we get in fights at school? It's behavioral misconduct, not standing up for fellow peers.
When we share our great ideas? They shut us down to keep us right where they want us.

I would honestly say that society is the most messed-up thing in the world. Not the economy, not debt, not money, not politics, not WW 3 breaking out between siblings. Just society. Society is the one thing that threatens everyone's future, not just one generation or the other. It doesn't single any one person out, it attacks everyone. Making people believe that there's a perfect figure, when in fact, perfection is completely impossible without imperfections. For our imperfections are what make us perfect --each individually perfect--from the ideas in our bulbous heads down to that funny small toe on the end of your foot. If we followed society, the world would have been screwed over many many many many many years ago.

But thanks to those we call misfits; the ones everyone picks on, makes fun of, judges, talks about; the ones that have the guts to be different; the ones who have the confidence to stand out when no one else does; thanks to those people, the world keeps turning, people keep moving, the world goes on.

Life and death

Life.

Life is the hard part; Dying is easy. To take the easy way out is to give up. Everything that's hard to get to is worth fighting for. The easy way is almost cheating. You only get as far as life wants you to: no where.


"[The person who walks among the crowd will only go as far as the crowd. The person who walks alone will go places no one can even begin to imagine.]"

Sometimes you just need someone to give  you the first push. When you learn how the game works, you'll be playing everybody like you invented the damn thing. And sometimes you lose, but there's no other option then to restart. You have to restart and be smarter. You learn from your mistakes and beat the shit out of anybody who gets in your way. You learn who is worth fighting for and who you should drop kick.

"Forget the people who forget you and respect the people who respect you."

You figure out who you can trust and who is a waste of your time. You learn that pissing people off is the easiest thing to do in the world. You create and invent and learn and grow. You make mistakes.

Life.

What the hell is life?

wrong and right

Each day it gets harder and harder to tell what's right and what's wrong...
What's happening to the people you love,
and most of all, what's happening to you...

When wrong becomes right,
the lines get blurred;
Fuzzy from the tears in  your eyes.
That's when the confusion starts to set in. You can't tell the difference between one object and another. You start to lose it. When you can't see, when you don't know what else to do. The finally life becomes one big scene of blurred shapes and colors. And then nothing makes sense anymore. You finally believe that you've lost it all... It's all gone, down the drain, never to return.

Bleeding Black

I sat there in silence. There was nothing but the dark and I. I could feel the warmth of blood running down my wrist and palm. In a way, It was relaxing. No more pain, no more worries, just a sort of tingly, stinging, throbbing sensation in my fingers. But I didn't mind. It didn't hurt at all. I knew I would feel the sting more tomorrow, but right now I was safe. Just a calm feeling of sitting in the welcoming arms of the dark. Enveloping me and crushing all worries for the moment.

Time

Confusion settles in... not sure what to do, what to think, how to feel, what to do, what to say, where to go from here.... It happened again... But somehow I think it'll be okay. Something has changed. Maybe it was the fact we snapped together, maybe it was the fact that everything helped. Or maybe I truly am wrong this time. Only time can tell I suppose. There's nothing that can tell you how to feel or what's going to happen.

advice

Here's some advice that I find rings true waaay more often than not...

1.) No pain no gain

2.) If something seems too good to be true, then usually it is

3.) There are two types of people in the world: People who are your friends and people who should keep their mouths shut

4.) You will never need algebra unless you are an algebra teacher

5.) When you distance yourself from people, the ones that are worried and won't leave you alone are the ones who actually care

6.) If people don't respect you then don't respect them

7.) If people forget about you, then forget about them too

It

I can feel my heart freeze over when you call for me. The water dripping and freezing my veins... My shivers warning me, goosebumps racing down my whole body. Worries bouncing around in my head. No more tears, just spine tingling screams. Wrists red with blood from silent demons. A pitch black soul from pain. Not an ounce of happiness left. Nothing. Hatred fills my eyes. Lips turn purple. Who knew one could feel so... empty?

lyrics

"I won't wait much longer, cause these walls they're crashing down, and I keep coming up short."

.......

Just wow. Finally, just wow.

money

Money can't buy happiness. It is the one impossible thing in the world. Unless you are stupid enough to believe that it can't, it is the one impossible thing. Money does not buy happiness. Unfortunately some people just cannot seem to get that through their skulls.

inspiration

Inspiration comes from the heart. A reaction from emotions. The output to an input full of feeling.

You see something, you react, and the gears in your mind start turning. Or at least that's how it works for me. I am an artist, I am a writer, I am a dreamer. I am who I am, and I work how I work, and no one will ever change that about me.

But isn't that the truth? You could say that all inspiration starts with emotion. That's where I pull mine from. When my friend discovered suicide? I took that depression and turned it into something beautiful. A beautifully depressing piece of art, and a depressing, strengthening, poem. My inspiration not only comes from my emotion, my inspiration IS my emotion. My ideas, my thought process, my art. It's all emotion, how it works, how I feel, what I've become.

It's my inspiration, my emotion.

tear cancelation

I've only cried over one guy. Those tears were wasted. Don't expect me to cry for you, too.

Cause I'm not going to.

You can't let one arrogant asshole ruin your whole life.

Here's why

You want to know why I won't open up to you? You want to know why I won't tell you even though you mean everything to me? You want to know why it's hard? You want to know why it hurts so much? You want to know why I started not to care? Why nothing matters? Why I'm so tough? Why I have anger and depression issues?

                                       Why my life is hell?


Because the world is filled with judge mental jackasses and I'm stuck in the middle.


Get over it.

I did.