Being Terrified

Sometimes reality eats you whole. Alive. The concept of being buried alive could be the same thing. I look at my life and I wonder if I am truly happy with where I'm at and who's in my life. And I tell myself I am because the people who are near me are nice and it could be so much worse. But then I think that if I had a chance to re-do a moment of my past that I would. Because there are so many ends that lay unraveled. There are so many people that I wish I could un-hurt and there are so many memories I wish I didn't have seared into my mind. I feel sorry to the people I have hurt unintentionally and the feeling sucks ass. To know that you could have done something to change the past and make things better. To know that it's too late now, and you want to do nothing more than to curl up in a ball and waste away within yourself; that is a horrible feeling. It's terrifying to not be able to know if you walk around everyday fooling yourself that you are happy, or if you are genuinely happy with your life. It's terrifying to think that you need help and there is no one there to support you. It's terrifying to remember everyone that you've lost, and know that you can't bring them back. It's terrifying to know that every night you continue to lay in bed on your tear-stained pillow and rot in your own head. And the person you want most is no where to be found. They left because you hurt them. They hate you. It's not even your fault, but they hate you and they aren't coming back. They were your safety net. They left and now you are alone.