You Will Never Be Alone

"I knew a girl who liked to draw.
She drew pictures that nobody saw.
She was most artistic at night, in her
bathroom,out of sight.
She didn't tell a soul and her gallery grew.
Her drawings were different, no
pencil or pen,
But needed a bandage now and again.
We stood by the river, under the stars,
She rolled up her sleeves and
showed me her scars.
She felt so embarrassed and looked
at her shoe
I rolled up my sleeves and said
'I draw too.'"

I found this online and I'm not sure who wrote it, but I find it to be so beautiful. No matter how different you are, or what problems or challenges you think you have, there will always be people out there just like you. If you are suffering, there is someone out there who is suffering with you, no matter how far away you seem to be. You will never be alone.

I'm Sorry To You

I really just wanted to say I'm sorry. Every day it continues to amaze me that one little word can mean so much. That one small thing can have so much power. I wanted to say I'm sorry because this time I finally mean it. I'm am ready to apologize and I am accepting yours. I am sorry that I said all those things after you were gone. And I'm sorry that you believed what they told you because no one should have to feel what you put me through. I'm sorry that I couldn't have held on longer because I realized that that was my plan: to hold on a long time. I'm sorry that the people you knew didn't approve of me. I'm sorry that we couldn't have gotten along and that you didn't listen to me. But I'm mostly sorry that you didn't give me a second try because I would've made that the best time of your life on Earth. I'm sorry that it doesn't exist anymore.

My Muck

Dull days file down to dust and life seems to slip out right from underneath you. You don't see the point in getting out of bed if you're just going to suffer through another day. Another day of facing people that have no importance in your life... another day of wallowing down and wasting away in a vat of nothingness. Some people have no idea what makes them upset, and they don't need to. I sit here typing and content, not sure what's got me so down, but at the same time I'm aware of a lot of things that could be better. I feel stuck in a mud I have created, and my life seems to be slathered with it. Right now writing is the only thing I find myself content with. I've been pulling away from reality and escaping into my own world. But it's ok because they know me there.

Who I Am

So much darkness and menace.

Delirious from the cold.

Biting like snapping turtles I look for fingers,

but can only bite off my own.

Why?

Because I am alone.

People call me crazy, happy, and strong.

But nothing goes right;

my whole life is wrong.

There's cobwebs in my corners,

Bloodshot eyes peek out from my skull.

I often dream of wasting away,

But I'm already almost nothing at all.

A shell of lies

I smile at people often.

But life is too  much work

and my skin is starting to soften.

I'm not a quitter,

but I give up on so much.

I used to love life,

but now I bring death's cold touch.

I screw up a lot,

it's hard with no family.

I don't try my best, 

And I'm alone if I can be.

But everyday I walk in

and I still smile big.

But in my mind I've slaughtered everybody...

For the bacon is better than the pig.

          --K.Y.K

Being Terrified

Sometimes reality eats you whole. Alive. The concept of being buried alive could be the same thing. I look at my life and I wonder if I am truly happy with where I'm at and who's in my life. And I tell myself I am because the people who are near me are nice and it could be so much worse. But then I think that if I had a chance to re-do a moment of my past that I would. Because there are so many ends that lay unraveled. There are so many people that I wish I could un-hurt and there are so many memories I wish I didn't have seared into my mind. I feel sorry to the people I have hurt unintentionally and the feeling sucks ass. To know that you could have done something to change the past and make things better. To know that it's too late now, and you want to do nothing more than to curl up in a ball and waste away within yourself; that is a horrible feeling. It's terrifying to not be able to know if you walk around everyday fooling yourself that you are happy, or if you are genuinely happy with your life. It's terrifying to think that you need help and there is no one there to support you. It's terrifying to remember everyone that you've lost, and know that you can't bring them back. It's terrifying to know that every night you continue to lay in bed on your tear-stained pillow and rot in your own head. And the person you want most is no where to be found. They left because you hurt them. They hate you. It's not even your fault, but they hate you and they aren't coming back. They were your safety net. They left and now you are alone.

Sometimes and Somehow

Sometimes you need to sit back and take a break. Sometimes you just can't carry on or go any further without a goodnight's rest or a break to just relax. We all have those times where we feel like we're dreaming... we float through the day, not quite understanding what's going on or where we are or why it's happening or when it will end. You just sort of move by some spirit's hand; all you know is that you're not the one who's moving through the day. You're not really numb, but you could be better. You're on the verge of crying, but your eyes tease you and water and put themselves back to sleep.Sometimes (how I was today) you are on the verge of puking but you silently suffer while nothing comes out. And somehow you know it's not your fault. You are not the reason that you're so upset this time around. Because the world is just stuck in a messed up place, and you are not the one that put it there.

Questioning Authority

I don't know how to interact with people. Interact. What a funny word. People seem like more of a pain than what they are worth. No one wants pain but without pain no one could be happy. Like in school... who is truly happy? People and pain and school. How do people come up with the worst combinations ever? Like home. Everybody loves to have a home. But some dumbass decided to hyphenate the word work at the end and then bam! Homework now exists. You take something enjoyable, add a sprinkle of something else, and then once again, running away no longer seems like such a bad idea. And maybe it's really not, I mean, you won't know unless you go, right? Or maybe left...ha. Who came up with those words? If you're facing each other then it's backwards and then your head wants to explode and who the hell came up with directions? They bring order but with their order comes so much chaos.  Someone says left and you know what they mean, yet your hand refuses to point in the right direction anyway. PLus what if left is really right? Not directional wise, but correct? Left could be right instead of right, right? Technically anything is possible. The only reason we are accepting of things is because society forced that crap on our throats. Everything you've known could be an illusion. You have the choice not to believe them, and maybe you don't, but you decide to keep your mouth shut anyway. You decide this because the people are in control, not the government, and you've heard of the way people get locked up because they are labeled "crazy." And you're a psychopath, but you've chosen to blend in so there's no chance of suspicion.