The Castle

Sometimes there's no where left to turn and your life seems to fall apart. I think everyone's been there. Some more than once, some go there more often than others, but it's a place in life that you just can't avoid. Your walls fall in and your castle finally crumbles. It's up to you to rebuild it.

Like wishing on a star or waiting to find the end of a rainbow, sometimes you want to give up hope. It depends on the person, but sometimes you can. Sometimes giving up hope is a better alternative. These days I don't have hope; I rely on faith. But other times destroying hope will also destroy the person. But as long as you have something to help push you back up onto your feet, you'll be fine.

You may not have materials to rebuild your castle as fast as you'd like, but the first step is establishing a design or blueprint. You have to know where you want to go in order to get to the place you want to be. Concoct a plan, and then you'll learn. You'll learn that this time around you won't be stupid enough to trust a person like that. Or perhaps you'll learn to tell when the people that mean the most are lying to you.

Whatever means you have of getting around in life, you need to keep your castle walls. If they get ruined, then build them right back up. I don't care what you want to do. You just need to keep up.

falters and fails

The thing about me is thought process. I can't talk, I fumble over words, I can't explain the point I'm trying to portray, and I usually just screw things over or mess stuff up. I just can't tell you me feelings through speech.

I find release in Writing and drawing... I found a release to express myself and make people understand what is going through my head finally. When words fail, pen and paper never hurt. I can tell you anything, say whatever I want on paper, but face to face doesn't go over well.

I can't think on the spot or find the right words, I fail at text and face to face, but give me a few minutes and I will have everything I want you to know, and everything you need to hear on a paper in front of you.  There's no limit to paper and pen.

I can't talk to you because my mind stutters. My thoughts falter. My eyes are like mirrors. You can't read me, and I'm trying my best to tell you, but I fail and fail, over and over. I can't make you believe me; I can't make you know that my feelings are 100% genuine. I can't make you trust me, and I can't make you understand what goes on in my head. All I can do is try.

assumptions

People assume too much.  'Nuff said.

wise man

"You have brains in your head,
you have feet in your shoes,
you can steer yourself
any direction you choose."

          --Dr. Seuss


Wise words from a legend.

Pay attention set your goals and you can go anywhere your heart desires. The world can be a beautiful place but only if you let it. Only if you follow your dreams and set your heart on your goal. Steer clear of what will distract you and stay on your path. If you get distracted, follow your way back. Respect those who will respect you and forget those who forget you. The only thing that will make it worth it, is what you make have some worth.

Fog

Sometimes life gets so clouded... You get so lost you can't think straight. Your emotions get tangled and then finally, with all that fog, you can't breathe. It all gets lost and the path way gets over grown. You can't see, think, hear, breathe, feel. You feel nothing because you've been lost for so long you have no sense of direction. You stop interacting with others, you stop caring. Pain becomes the only way out because at least you feel something. Even if it's a raw emotional stinging. At least it's something other than nothing.

Epiphany

The phrase "trembling under someone's touch" has a whole new meaning to me now. That uncontrollable feeling of weakness that a single person is able to give amazes me. You get it, and in the few moments after that, it just seems to multiply. Like a small shock that turns into a tidal wave as it ripples back through your body multiple times over.

I believe that there is only a single person that you can pull that feeling from. Only a single person that gives you that tidal wave of emotion. There should only be one person that can make you tremble when they reach for your hand. Only one person that can turn your knees to jelly, only one person that can make you feel like life isn't so bad after all. Only one person that can completely take away that feeling of anger and revenge, the one that can make you forget.


                                And maybe they're not so obvious.
                                                         Maybe they're right in front of you.
                                     Maybe they have been the whole time.

Lies

I try not to lie to the people I care about... I'm good about it. But sometimes you can't help it. Sometimes it has to be done for the best. Not that excuse of "I did it to protect you."  That's shit. I mean the lies where there's no other option or way out.

But at the same time I feel like my life is a lie. I don't know what I'm doing, I can't comprehend why I am the way I am, or why I feel so buried all the time. Like I need washed. Just a dirty old rag becoming something it's not. It needs a rinse to get that layer of dirt off. It needs help to become what it really is. Not some dirty, old, muddy piece of fabric. It needs to become that clean, dull, used up rag that became your best friend.

Stop covering yourself in lies, and just be what you want. No one else should give a hoot. You should be comfortable with what you want to do, and how you want to live. If you want to work fast food the rest of your life, you do that! If you want to be a dinosaur when you grow up, then you be that freaking dinosaur!

But when you get lost, you need to sit and think. You need to be able to decide for yourself. Put aside everyone else. Their thoughts, opinions, rules, options, actions, lives. You need to sit down and think for yourself. Not for the benefit of others. You need to sit there and think about what YOU want to do for a change.

The most magical person in the world. Someone sent you to make it better, and that's what you do. Like a cloud of magic floating around in a breeze of loneliness. Something sparkly in that dark corner of the basement. A flower of faith sprung on Earth, a sign of life. Just a single sign among so much death and misery. There's you.

Oh so beautiful, delicate-looking, but a wall of faith, of the unimaginable. A heart made of faith, smiles, pure magic.  There is no word that can describe you. If I tried, there would be a list of words much longer than any that exist. You are oh so perfectly you. There's no one else who comes close.

You are the one piece of inspiration no one can ignore. You touch everyone with the sense of who you are. You're an angel, but so much more than that. More special. You keep the world spinning. People moving. Most of all, you keep my head on straight and what little sanity I have left safe. I'm hanging onto the edge of a cliff, but somehow with you there it doesn't seem so bad. Like it'll all be okay.

I know I'm going to lose it when you leave.

Because

 "Everyday is a battle and you are my sanity."

                     --K.

blank

Life has to get worse before it can get better.

too

If you're in pain, then I'm in pain. That's how it works. You fall, I'll pick you up. You cut, I probably will too. You cry, I'll hold you as long as it takes. You feel lonely, I'll be there to hold your hand. When you get pissed, I'll warn everyone to stay away. That's how it is. 

                  

                               I'll be there to feel it too.

...

I have chosen to keep this blog completely anonymous to the people I know, and even to those I don't for particular reasons. When you talk about life, many people are annoyed with your "Dumb posts" or "Stupid thoughts."  But  sometimes you just need someone out there who will listen for once.



So, if you know who you are


                        I love you L.... <3



                                                   Do not ever forget that.

Too much like

More and more often, I find myself wondering if it's possible to have too many people like you. Sure, you can call all of them your friends, but what happens when they finally realize what they have? That they have you, and then all of a sudden they realize that maybe they can be happy with you, like no one else...

I've never wondered this before... But maybe, just maybe,  it's possible.

I admit on a daily basis I have people claim that they really like me and I feel like I'm being pulled limb from limb.. Sometimes people need to stop and think about how the people around them will react, not just how they, them self, will feel.

All anyone wants to do in life is fit in and be appreciated. I am here to tell you, that there are, in fact, people like me who don't want that. I don't want to fit in, I couldn't care less about what people think about me. I would rather know I'm loved by one person than be liked by a whole bunch of others.

When you have people breathing down your neck all of the time because they want to be WITH you, they want to be happy WITH you, it gets very stressful. It's like it's all one huge freaking game to see who is right. They don't care about you, they just want to be happy.

Yup

Everything may not always work out for the best, but in the end, you'll sure as hell learn one thing or another.

Help

People hurt. They hurt bad. When someone hurts the only thing you can do is be there for them. You can't fix everything, you can't make it 100% better. You can't take away their problems, you can't make life better. What you can do is let them know that you are never going to leave their side no matter what happens. That you won't give up on them.

"A best friend is someone that loves you when you forget to love yourself."

                                    --Unknown

Fate

I've always believed that everything happens for a reason, and I have yet to believe something else. Nothing has changed that thought that has been discovered. We feel pain and suffering, and happiness and excitement. Without one or the other, we would not be able to feel. I thank those who have pulled me back up when I didn't think I could get back up again. But I also thank those who have not. Without that suffering I wouldn't have found the strength inside myself to get back up when everyone else needed me. You taught me to raise my game and get over your hatred.

Everything happens for a reason, the good and the bad, but in the end you learn. You learn from the past and you learn from your mistakes. You learn from feelings and you learn from actions. You learn from life and you learn from death.

You get back up when you have no hope, and you fall even when you feel that nothing can touch you.

And when you don't, someone like me will be around to carry you back to where you're supposed to be.

More Life

Ever heard that song by Eminem called Not Afraid? If the world worked like that and we could pull each other up when we fall down it would be a better place. More strength, not as much pain... the pain would be shared and the weight would be lifted off of your shoulders.Eminem raps from experience and emotion... His words are chosen carefully and with meaning, not just a bunch of words thrown together to look cool and appeal for money... He makes money off of something true in life. That's how it should be. Or at least I think so.

?

When you run out of happiness you get lost. You don't know what to do, where to turn, who to tell. I think when your happiness disappears then you're faith and hope want to leave, too. They want to follow that happiness. I know I've lost hope... I literally do not believe in hope anymore. I've managed to hang onto my faith for now, but I can say for sure that the word hope brings me nothing but pain.

Trust

No matter what the situation in life, people act differently. That is a known fact among humans. Some people cover with fake smiles; Some people go further to fake feelings. Many people are one extreme or the other... They either think they can deal with everything, or they can fall apart at the drop of a hat.

Though many feel invincible, there comes a time when, at one point or another, you find out that, to our surprise, you are not, in fact, invincible. Physically or emotionally, you just cannot handle everything.

I believe that those who are alone suffer more greatly than those who are not. The people who deal alone I believe will understand this post better than those who have others, but I will try and explain a little bit.

When you have a support system, yes, obviously there will still be those raw emotions with any situation... But when you have friends to support you, you don't have to deal as much stress. It is passed around to those who care, most often. They are willing to sacrifice time and deal with the pain just as much as you are, because when you suffer, they want to suffer too. That's just how much they love you.

I, on the other hand, am one of those lonely people. From experience, I can tell you I know I am not invincible. The world and the life it sustains just doesn't work that way. You're just lonely.

Those lonely kind of people such as myself deal with the weight of the world. we keep to ourselves when we don't have anybody to lean on. Honestly, I'm pretty sure that's the reason why we look so grumpy and ready to murder someone all the time. Most of the time, it's not because we're actually planning on doing that... It;s because we have so many things on our mind, we're often too deep in thought and don't have time to hold reasonable relationships with others, because of the stuff we are currently dealing with.  Wow what a breath.

Kids like me usually can't trust their friends, or we even don't have anyone there even if we wanted to trust.

With or without trust; with or without that empty feeling in the pit of  your stomach; love or no love;

                                          The world does move on.

Wallflowers

To write a book is to have the power of giving life... You can do anything, be anyone, you can be you without having ass holes that criticize you wherever you go... It's so  much simpler...


I will be honest here, I recently saw the movie Perks of Being a Wallflower, and it was the best movie I have ever seen... So this post goes out to all you Wallflowers... to whom I wish eternal strength against the arrogant ass holes in life; to whom I wish I knew because when you have people you can relate to, you don't feel so alone. To whom I wish a fair shot at eternal happiness....

Why?

Because we wallflowers see everything.
We hear everything.
We know more than we let on.
And we put up with every little single freaking thing and don't get anything in return.

Because you wallflowers out there deserve to be happy.

Love again?

Baking cookies.... Nothing like the smell of baking cookies with some of the people you love. I don't know why but they DO always taste sweeter when the're baked with love than if someone just made em... even if they do have mean saying written on em for various reasons... haha

                       Why is it that love is such a beautiful thing yet oh so painful?

Why is it so sweet yet so sour to the taste?

Without love there cannot be lust.
But without lust love would not exist....

People -_-

My love for you has vanished,
my love for you is gone,
my love for you has disappeared,
it used to be so strong.

Our love was like a spiderweb,
just waiting to be broken,
It just needed one more crack,
and finally broke open.

Our hearts bled out,
with wounds so deep,
I felt so numb,
like eternal sleep.

I trusted you,
you proved me wrong,
I was completely blind,
to see took too long.

So there won't be a "next time,"
I'll be gone,
it was stupid to love you,
and I've moved on.


                       ~Angel With A Shotgun~

Nameless

"Pleasantly emo..." Well, that's a first. Never been called that before. But I suppose it does describe me... Let's see...

• High self restraint
• Happy
• Chill
• Laid Back
• Confident
• Thoughtful

          BUT

• Temper
• Fake smiles
• Blood lover
• Mischievous
• Hidden
• Dark

I've been called all kinds of emo... but pleasantly emo? That's something new. Yet finally it's a title that feels right when said; A descriptor that fits the object. A summary that wraps everything up; A name that for once, finally makes sense.

Being attached

It's funny how we as humans overtime  become attatched to objects in our life. Weather it's someone close to us, be a person or pet, or whether it's the dumbest object ever, admit it: We all become attatched at one point or another. But right now I realize it's only because of our actions. For instance, when we are around someone a lot we tend to grow on them. You learn about their personality, habits, likes and dislikes, until you reach the stage of attatchment. I think in the end attatchments make us or break us... They can keep us going, being the only reason we get up every morning, or tear us apart from the inside out, sending us into a dizzying spiral of emotions.

life-long dreamer

In some way everybody is trying to find their place, to accomplish the task of being themself. In my eyes, only few succeed. Being yourself means you can think for yourself. You can't let others decide for you. Making your own decisions can be the hardest part. Decisions you make can hurt you. you may choose the one that hurts the least, but often it can take you down the wrong road. Being yourself  means you need to be able to make the decisions that will affect you. You have to be able to choose what works even if it hurts. You need to be able to stand up for what you believe in  even when others try and push you down. You need to be able to dress how you want and be who you are. Being yourself doesn't mean hiding behind a mask.

Me? I know who I am. I'm a dreamer. I'm a lover. I'm beautiful. I'm the curious one. I have the heart of a child. The imagination of a 5 year old. I trust only one person completely. Fun could be my middle name but it's not because I have one already. I've been called emo, goth, scene, and even a sunshine emo. No one can read my eyes. Covering up my emotions is one of my greatest feats. I am called short. I live in Hell. But that doesn't stop me. Because at the end of everyday, there is no one else I'd rather be but me.

Because I have my dreams.

Life

What is life?

Sometimes I just sit around and ask myself this question. I don't know the answer, but I think about it anyway.
Life is big.

When I sit there and taste the words that form this question it feels like I'm disappearing. I get lost in my head and it's literally as if I don't exist. Like I still see and hear and think, but it's from someone elses eyes. As if I took a soul and that's all I become.
I become a part of something new but I'm not afraid, I'm just curious.
Because what is life?

This question is only one I can pretend I know the answer to. It has an impossible definition that cannot be captured using words or pictures or definitions or explinations. It can't even be explained by describing it with itself.

So what is life?

The most amazing feeling in the world is loving someone and being loved back. And when it's strong enough you feel nothing else but that warmth in the pit of your stomach. It makes everything okay again. Makes you feel like you're standing on top of the world. Like magic pulsing through your heart.

No Hope here

Hope is like walking on broken glass.


It leads to false promises and broken dreams, and then rips your life from you. Or just really hurts when it cuts you...

Just a blob of numbness, all alone and feeling absolutely nothing.


I don't believe in hope.
But I do have faith.
I have faith and dreams and strength...
and a best friend.


Because I can live without a man.
I can live without hope.
I've walked on glass.  (and literally have the scar lol)
And I didn't need hope to help me.
I just needed to believe.
Believe in myself.

I just needed to wake up and realize what I had before it got taken away. So I did.
And I know I did something right...
Cause I ended up with what I have.

I have you fool.  ^_^

WHOOP WHOOP

Thanks sooooo much for the ton of new page views! Wow you  guys completely made my day  XD

Y-O-U

I used to wish for things I didn't have. But then I realized none of it mattered. So I started wishing I could be happy. Only this time I think someone was paying attention...

Because then I met you.

You take away the pain, you make me happy. I mean, for god's sake I smile every single freaking time you text me. I don't do that to anyone else.

And sometimes I wonder if it could be you... But then I realize my whole past has been based on lies and broken hearts. But for some reason I trust you. You seem different. I know I say that about every guy I've dated but it's true. You're way different. You don't like me for my looks. Yeah, I've been called pretty. But you see my personality you fool. You don't give me butterflies like every other guy. You make me go insane instead. You make me jittery, excited, ecstatic even. Like a huge adrenaline rush, piping hot, flying through my veins. I can't be sure if it's just you or if I just haven't felt happy in so long.

I just know. I know something is different this time.

Something new.
Something strange
Fool.

And then happiness has been found at last. 

;)

I wrote this for you,
because you seem blue,
or maybe you just need a song.

It's not the latest,
It's not the greatest,
But maybe you'll still still sing along.

I can explain,
cause I have no shame,
These feelings are truly for you.

I was confused before,
but now it's for sure,
these feelings you give are so new.

From the very start,
You had stolen my heart,
And I haven't seen it since.

But it's ok,
I threw the fears away,
you came along just like a prince.


~Angel with a shotgun~

Love?

Each time we date someone we go into the relationsip thinking they could be the one... We think we know it in our hearts, that each time around we're going to grow up and live happily ever after. But the coffee is calling! Wake up and smell reality! Even the person you're with right now may not be your soul mate (yes I believe that everyone has that one person out there looking for them).

But on the offchance that they are, hold onto them... even if you fight 24/7 or even if you dont agree on everything... keep them. Cause no one ever knows what they have until it's walked out of their life.

I myself  have just recently entered a new relationship and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me so far. No one is perfect... but if your partner tells you you're perfect it's not because they're lying... it's because your imperfections are what make you so perfect in their eyes.

It's everything they see, everything they can see without the make up. Someone that makes you feel like no other. Like the world could end at any second, and as long as you're with that person it doesnt matter. Cause you could sit there with that person forever and ever, just being content with the fact that they care so much about you and that they dont ever want to let you go. Because you know you are wanted, needed, and loved, and at the end of the day no one will make you happier than that one person.

Life Update

Being tired overwhelmes the soul.
There's so much to do and so little time...
Or so it seems...

Parents just don't understand.

In life, all we do is play by their rules, do what they tell us to, what they think is best.
But you can't always listen to them. Cause if you do they could end up majorly screwing up your life. Yeah, there's a reason we're human: WE WERE MADE TO MAKE MISTAKES.


So touche'. Knowing that life will never be perfect is hard to except. Especially when you're coming out of the little kid stage. There's guys/girls, drama, homework, the works...   -_-
Unfortunately all of these things it seems brings more pain than necessary. You can only just hope for the best and keep on truckin'.

Someone asked me why I smile so much. You know what I said? I said "Because I don't have any tears left in me to cry."



And honestly, I can tell you I have no clue when the last time I cried was... I don't remember. It's sad when that happens... too many tears to the point of no return... literally, you cry yourself dry. One day you finally wake up to reality and realize that when someone decks you, no, it doesnt hurt. When you break a bone?  Hmm... no tears anywhere to be found. When that one thing happens and you dont feel anything you become mutually numb.

And honestly I do find this quote a bit ironic... I used to smile all the time to hide the pain. Fake smiling? You will not meet anyone more trained with that skill than the chick behind the computer screen typing what you are reading right now. I'm the best at that, but at the same time I barely ever smile on a regular basis anymore. It's like I'm two completely different people at once, with pissiness and depression dominantly showing. Fake smile? No one can tell that it's fake... fake happiness? Pshh you couldnt spot it in a million years in my face.


When you sit down and face the facts your life has ended when you hit the completely-numb-for-the- rest-of-your-life-stage. Because breathing doesn't mean you are truly living. And you can't truly live unless you know all emotions. Being pissed all the time just doesn't cut it.

Heart Break?

          Everyone hopes for that special someone. That one person in the whole wide world that they will love and cherish for the rest of their lives. What we don't know is when they will appear or come along, wander into our sight or pass us by and find somebody else. We will never be able to tell who that person will be and when they will come until we take a chance and risk it all. Risk it all in the hopes of being happy; risk it all for something that will only make us blind and cause us great pain; Risk it all in the hopes in love.

                                         But is it worth it?

           Is it worth all the pain of living and then dying more each time we lose part of our heart and continue, stuggle even, to move on to what we think will be the rest of our lives? Moving on, picking up the fractured pieces of our hearts and looking for the right one?

          When we come across the right person, will they stay by our side, or will they wander off, making us chase after them to show our love, appriciation, and devotion? Will we be able to tell if they're using us? Or will they find us and make everything better? Could they patch up the holes in our hearts, put everything back into place, perhaps even make us forget? Forget the times of pain, of deep sorrow? Of mourning? Of loss? How will we know when we find the other half? Will it click into place? Maybe you'll know. Maybe in that ripped up, old, worn down, heart of yours there is a chance of happiness. Maybe a light shines within the presence of darkness.

First Impressions

I'm new to this... forgive me if I screw this up or something, I seem to screw a lot of things up. Either way, first time as a blogger, so much to say, but no beginning anywhere in sight, so I'll make one.

First Impressions.

First Impressions are everything.. let's face it.. How many of us are actually satisfied with our first impressions? I'm almost never satisfied with mine. I'm not afraid to make a fool of myself, but it seems I've been more and more withdrawn from the world around me: Reality in general. I can't stay focused, and I let my mind drift away from what matters... So how's that for a first impression?

I've been called everything from a preppy emo to goth, although I seem to take up a category all my own. So you may be judging me right now, or you could be thinking what does this chick have to offer?

Even if this is the worst First Impression you have heard in your whole freaking life, all I ask is a chance to prove to you that I can make a difference in a world that seems to be filled with failure.


Because my first impressions may seem like crap to you, but then again you don't know me, now do you?