innocence

Sometimes I really miss those days where all I had to worry about was grabbing my mom's hand when I crossed the road.
Not losing her in the grocery store; freaking out about who used my crayons and broke them...
Life used to be so much simpler. Then what happened?

I was forced to grow up and mature much faster than everyone else because people kept screwing up. Parents can baby and spoil their children too much, but did you ever stop to think that maybe they push them too hard and too fast, too? That sometimes they're not ready to meet the rest of the world while they're still so young. That perhaps by doing so, you've actually ruined their life and the great future they could have had.

I hate everything about life but I still choose to wake up everyday. Can't that be good enough?

She's drunk. She's not coming home tonight. Again.

clear as a mud puddle

Once I wore all white for a change to see if I could fit in with the angels. To see if I could help people and do good. Only I'm not meant to be someone like that I suppose. I'm back to all black. White doesn't work for me and now it's clear to me why. Why I can never be an angel and why I can never change the repitition of history and what keeps happening to me.

it

"Fuck you, what you need, you can't get nothin' from me, You was talking shit now I'm somebody you would love to be, Imma do my thing until the day the reaper come for me, you can keep on grillin', Imma smile back."



                         --Smile Back, Mac Miller

ok

I'm done trying to please everyone. Go screw yourself. All I do is take hit after hit for everyone I know... I play it cool, no biggie, it never is. But every time I do something for me, they get upset. They get pissed because for once I'm happy. They get upset because they envy so much when they know nothing. I want to be me, and if you don't like it then walk away. End of story. Say bye and get over the fact that I don't chase anyone anymore.

"I don't chase after anyone. If you wanna walk out of my life then I'll hold the fucking door open for you."

                               --Wiz Khalifa

"The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do."

                                           --Anonymous

hidden dark

Today my friend looked me in the eye and said, "You are one tough chick."

I had to look away.

He has no idea what I feel like everyday. How cold I am and how alone I have been. I distance myself from people and lie now. I feel fake. He doesn't know that I come home and want to sleep for the rest of eternity. I want to give up. I want to cry myself to sleep every night, but I can't because I've cried so many tears I don't have anymore. I smile so much because I don't have any more tears to shed. They're all out. They're gone. Just like my heart. It disappeared. It blew up, vanished, something; all I know is that it's gone. I feel dead, but I smile everyday so no one asks questions. Once again I have messed everything up. Unlike everyone else, I'm finally done. I'm done with everything because there's nothing left for me to do. I can't look people in the eyes because then bad things happen. I can't give genuine smiles anymore because there's no reason left for me to smile. I can't think straight because my head is in a permanent fog. I cant breathe because the weight of the world is sleeping on my chest.

Breathing

I screw lives over, I mess things up. Everything I touch seems to die, even if I avoid it so it doesn't happen in the first place. I break hearts, I rip out feelings,  make monsters. I make people cold hearted just like myself. I can't do anything right and now I'm lying to people I care about just to make them happy. Suddenly me being myself isn't good enough anymore. It seems impossible to have someone like me for the real me. If I open my mouth to say one thing, someone always happens to be there to judge me. My friend found out my middle name and all they did was sit there and laugh at me. My ex used me to get to them... and you know what they did? They sat there and made fun of me. Some great world this is. -_-  Just freakin' amazing. No wonder no one wants to live anymore. You can't live when everything just feels like death all the time.

When people are crying and the innocent are dying. When the world is always fighting against itself and no problems ever get resolved. When someone tries to be happy but everyone just amplifies their pain instead. When people try to make you laugh but you want to curl up under a rock and die. When you have to hold back the tears every morning as you wake up because your life couldn't get any worse. When you paste a fake smile on everyday just to make other people happy. When you finally glue on that mask of fake shit because no one will leave you the hell alone when you seem down. Because the world doesn't understand.

But today I learned that there is a single person who does understand.... They may not be alive now, but just knowing they understand who you are can help.

Today I felt like I could breathe for the first time in my life. I could actually breathe. I didn't have to fake anything. I still had to hold back tears, but they were tears of relief, not tears of pain. Because I know that someone actually understands how to fix all of it. How to fix what others are too stupid and blind to see. The blind man sees much more than any person with eyes ever could.

I had almost forgotten what breathing felt like.

Me

I try and I try. But no matter how many friends I make, or how many people I think I can trust, or if everything finally goes right, I'm almost never happy. I know I don't fit in and I'm proud of that. But no one knows what goes on in my head. No one knows what it's like to be me. No one will understand how I think or why I think. No one will ever understand why I act the way I do or how I react because of my past. Never.

Best Friend

One genuine friend that will never get pissed at you. One person who can make you forget your life is falling apart with a single smile. Only one person that's always there when you need them, no matter what. He can always make me smile. Not the perfect person. The one that makes mistakes; the one that's imperfect. The one who laughs when he fails and just gets up to try again. The person who can see through my disguises as easily as someone can see through a magnifying glass. The only person in the world that you can trust with your life and everything else... even those secrets that will destroy you if they get out. But he still keeps them safe. Just a single smile on the rainiest day. My best friend.

smiles

The average person smiles over 50 times a day.  What does it mean if you only smile once?

A lost voice

Today I woke up without a voice. My voice disappeared and all I can do is cough. The great thing is I don't really mind. Sure, the coughing and burning throat sucks, but without my voice it is honestly harder to screw things up.

I can talk through so many different ways, it seems, just as long as I'm not directly talking. When I use words I  screw so many things up. But if I put them on paper, if I rearrange them into a picture, if I add music, it works. They understand me. But if I have to think too fast, I stumble over my own words and screw it up even worse. I don't know why I can't think in front of people when they want me to... it's too much right then and there, if that happens to make any sense.

My words get jumbled up in my mouth and then they decide to come out in a single landslide, no matter how bad they sound. They just hate me. A poem you can go back and edit. In the spur of the moment, words come out all at once and one chance is all you get.

Maybe that's why. Maybe expectations are too high these days. Maybe people don't think or believe enough. Maybe one chance isn't enough. Or maybe one chance is all you need and others should get used to having to live up to higher standards.