Fire

For all of you pyromaniacs out there, have you ever stopped and thought about why you like fire so much? About why you like burning things?

Fire is a beautiful thing. It's beautiful, yet destructive. It can cause pain, but when used correctly the infliction of pain can be avoided. The way the flames dance and lick at the air is mesmerizing. The colors, how they wave and change shades. How the flames flicker and sway with the support of the colors. Looking at fire is calming. I care stare at it for so long. It's quiet. Flames are quiet. The silence and colors and flames almost intertwine with your soul if you stay long enough. Imagine flames.

You are pyros because you find release within the flame.

Magic of sorts

When you have that "epiphany" you feel like magic. When that one person leaves, so does that feeling. When that feeling leaves, you don't feel the same. When you can't feel the same, that feeling will never exist or come back to you. Each feeling will be different, no matter how small of a difference it is. It will be missing.

Do better S, do better

I make monsters. I hurt people. I kill things. I make the world cold.
If I moved away from here... I have the option to... do you think that things would get better for you?

I wish you believed me and that I could help you...
But I never help.
I only ruin things
and I hurt them
and I destroy them
I kept dressing in white... because I thought maybe I could fit in with the angels or do something good
But I cant do anything right so I just wear black.

Because after so many people leave, you barely have a heart left
and you barely have anything to give.
And people get upset with you because they dont understand
I believe in you.
I believe you can do better cause all I do is rip people apart S,
I make monsters.

Be you

Everything in life is extremely better when you don't give a shit about anything. You can be free and do what you want to when you want to, and just be you.

No Regrets

So I found this old message that cropped up... I sent it a while ago...

o.o

i didnt... no please no i didnt mean like that i just... no

i keep killing everyone and I cant do anything about it 

My life is a fucking fail

and I'm srry I cant get through to you or help.

You're acting like you never want to see me again.

Im obviously not you're one if you dont even want to try for later...'

I cant do anything right...

do you see what I mean now, do you??

Cause this always fucking happens to me and i cant stop it.

I cant ever fix anything and I'll never be able to.

yeah maybe I do love you too. Maybe I'm fucking terrified of loving someone cause I have my heart ripped out so fucking much

me loving you doesnt even fucking matter to you anymore.

really, I don't have any regrets... not even the worst days of my life because they help me learn... but when you find something like this from the past, then you should understand that you need to change, or talk to someone. 

Keep the ones you love close. Apologize to those that matter so they don't leave later. And open your mind. You need to be able to think in order to change.

For sure

I know now that confusion is normal.  The human brain can never understand anything until it thinks. It has to be able to think things through and be able to process them before anything in life can become a fact. Before that, everything is a blur of confusion. While you think, you never know for sure until you are done thinking. And even after that, sometimes you never know for sure, or never will.

Mental breakdown

I need help. I know I need help, I know I need professional help, but I don't want to get help. You can't trust very many people. They screw things up and when you try to explain they don't get it.

My life has been getting progressively worse. More depression, more stress, drifting away from friends, not giving  single shit about anything anymore. Migraines, unfocused head, floating around in space, I can't focus on anything. And then it finally happened. Yesterday I finally snapped. I had a mental breakdown.

I ran around the house, I threw things, I beat things, I cussed things out, I screamed words that I didn't even know existed in my vocabulary. I attacked walls, banisters, anything I could get my hands on.

Afterward, I found myself curled in a ball laying on the cold hardwood floor. I was punching and attacking things within my reach. I was laying there, trying to see through my water-filled, tear-drowned eyes. Ignoring the tears that ran down my face and hit the floor. I screamed, I cried, I yelled, I sobbed. I couldn't catch my breath. I was gulping for air through all of my pain. I couldn't think. I couldn't make sense of how I got this way. It was a nightmare come alive. I was afraid of an invisible monster hiding inside my own head.

I shook my head and I remember sobbing "I don't want to be here." My eyes were puffed up and my face was crimson from screaming and crying. I pushed myself upstairs to my bedroom and changed into pj's. I wanted to give up so bad. I just laid there and cried. I gasped for air, I longed to be rid of the pain I'd been trapped in for so long.

From there I continued to have a meltdown until I fell asleep, cussing out my phone every time it dared to go off. I remember yelling things like "I don't want to be here," and "I hate my life," while the whole time I was thinking "I shouldn't be breathing, I don't want to breathe anymore."

All the thoughts from so long ago came back and consumed my mind.

Now I sit here and wait for the monster to come out again. To eat me alive and know that no one else knows about it except me. Except the creature that lurks in the back of my head; the one who whispers, teasing me daily; the one who makes me gasp for air and sanity to keep from going under. The demon who made me pressure scissors on my leg because it made the pain slide away.

The one I secretly fight; I'm fighting myself.