No Regrets

So I found this old message that cropped up... I sent it a while ago...

o.o

i didnt... no please no i didnt mean like that i just... no

i keep killing everyone and I cant do anything about it 

My life is a fucking fail

and I'm srry I cant get through to you or help.

You're acting like you never want to see me again.

Im obviously not you're one if you dont even want to try for later...'

I cant do anything right...

do you see what I mean now, do you??

Cause this always fucking happens to me and i cant stop it.

I cant ever fix anything and I'll never be able to.

yeah maybe I do love you too. Maybe I'm fucking terrified of loving someone cause I have my heart ripped out so fucking much

me loving you doesnt even fucking matter to you anymore.

really, I don't have any regrets... not even the worst days of my life because they help me learn... but when you find something like this from the past, then you should understand that you need to change, or talk to someone. 

Keep the ones you love close. Apologize to those that matter so they don't leave later. And open your mind. You need to be able to think in order to change.

For sure

I know now that confusion is normal.  The human brain can never understand anything until it thinks. It has to be able to think things through and be able to process them before anything in life can become a fact. Before that, everything is a blur of confusion. While you think, you never know for sure until you are done thinking. And even after that, sometimes you never know for sure, or never will.

Mental breakdown

I need help. I know I need help, I know I need professional help, but I don't want to get help. You can't trust very many people. They screw things up and when you try to explain they don't get it.

My life has been getting progressively worse. More depression, more stress, drifting away from friends, not giving  single shit about anything anymore. Migraines, unfocused head, floating around in space, I can't focus on anything. And then it finally happened. Yesterday I finally snapped. I had a mental breakdown.

I ran around the house, I threw things, I beat things, I cussed things out, I screamed words that I didn't even know existed in my vocabulary. I attacked walls, banisters, anything I could get my hands on.

Afterward, I found myself curled in a ball laying on the cold hardwood floor. I was punching and attacking things within my reach. I was laying there, trying to see through my water-filled, tear-drowned eyes. Ignoring the tears that ran down my face and hit the floor. I screamed, I cried, I yelled, I sobbed. I couldn't catch my breath. I was gulping for air through all of my pain. I couldn't think. I couldn't make sense of how I got this way. It was a nightmare come alive. I was afraid of an invisible monster hiding inside my own head.

I shook my head and I remember sobbing "I don't want to be here." My eyes were puffed up and my face was crimson from screaming and crying. I pushed myself upstairs to my bedroom and changed into pj's. I wanted to give up so bad. I just laid there and cried. I gasped for air, I longed to be rid of the pain I'd been trapped in for so long.

From there I continued to have a meltdown until I fell asleep, cussing out my phone every time it dared to go off. I remember yelling things like "I don't want to be here," and "I hate my life," while the whole time I was thinking "I shouldn't be breathing, I don't want to breathe anymore."

All the thoughts from so long ago came back and consumed my mind.

Now I sit here and wait for the monster to come out again. To eat me alive and know that no one else knows about it except me. Except the creature that lurks in the back of my head; the one who whispers, teasing me daily; the one who makes me gasp for air and sanity to keep from going under. The demon who made me pressure scissors on my leg because it made the pain slide away.

The one I secretly fight; I'm fighting myself.

hurt

Why does it have to hurt so much.

The four doors

"The four doors of the mind for coping with pain: The first door is sleep. Sleep offers us a retreat from the world and all of its pain. Sleep marks the passing time, giving us the distance from the things that have hurt us. When a person is wounded they will often fall unconscious. Similarly, someone who hears traumatic news will often swoon or faint. This is the minds way of protecting itself from pain by stepping through the first door. The second door is forgetting. Some wounds are too deep to heal, or too deep to heal quickly. In addition, many memories are simply too painful, and there is no healing to be done. The saying 'time heals all wounds' is false. Time heals most wounds. The rest are hidden behind this door. The third door is madness. There are times when the mind is dealt such a blow it hides itself in insanity. While this may not seem beneficial, it is. There are times when reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind. Last is the door of death. The final resort. Nothing can hurt us after we're dead, or so we've been told."

                    ~Patrick Rothfuss~

Music and Mind

"A poet is a musician who cannot sing. Words have to find a man's mind before they can touch his heart, and some men's minds are woeful small targets. Music touches their heart directly no matter hw small or stubborn the mind of the man who listens."

                              ~Patrick Rothfuss~

Manipulation

He uses me. He chews me up and thinks he can spit me out. He feels like king of his world. But he couldn't be more wrong.

He plays with my feelings. He plants ideas in my head. He toys with my thoughts. But he couldn't be more wrong.

He eats at me. He spits me back out. He thinks he's winning. He uses me to his advantage. But he couldn't be more wrong.

He sits on his throne. His face with a satisfying smirk. Nothing could touch him. But he couldn't be more wrong.

I know him, he uses me, he thinks he wins every time. But he doesn't understand the sentence "Helpless damsel in distress uses manipulation." He hurts me and messes with me. But he doesn't realize that he's only scratching the surface. I feel accomplished. We are together, and he doesn't text or call or talk. He walked out, but he decided to apologize and come back. Why? Because I have him in my hand. He doesn't realize that he can't control me. He doesn't know that I'm controlling him. He tried to use me.... but I got him to text me. I got him t come back to me this time.He thought he could run away. But I've got him bound up tight.

People like him, who use people and hurt them just for their own game... they're messed up. Show me a game, and I'll teach you how to play. Because I'm a girl, it doesn't mean I can't kick your ass.

Keep that in mind next time you mess with someone. Especially someone who appears to be so fragile.

Looks are very deceiving.