Tonight

Tonight I will look up at the moon in the sky and know that you are under the same one. You could be looking too, but even if you're not, I know you're there, just the same. I know your trust finds it's way into my soul even when you're not here. I gave you my trust and you kept it. The one person, against all odds, who I can count on. Who ALWAYS comes through. I thank you with such meaning that no one will ever understand. I know you change, but part of the person I know will always be in there; the part I can trust and love. So tonight I will look up at the moon and remember your face, and everything you have given me. A best friend, a reason to live, a family, a conscience, fun, and most of all, happiness. So I will look at the moon tonight. And I will remember you and your beauty as a person.

Over

I didn't. I didn't cry for him... I cried for HIM instead. I'm constantly reminded of how unpredictable the world is, and how I'm a part of the madness. I certainly did not see that coming. I figured those tears would go to the person I thought I cared about. But instead they went to the person I thought I could leave. To the person who I thought didn't do enough. I didn't shed tears for the one filled with stupidity and smiles. I shed tears for the one in the shadows.  The one filled with pain and left in the darkness alone. Just like me. But he doesn't know how to talk to himself and ignore the pain. He seems to absorb and distribute it.
I could care less... but I can't.
And I can't figure out why I care so much. I thought leaving was good... but he stayed and it hurts to think of him.

And now it's all over.

Now I know he does care.
Just a little.
But it's too late now.

It's all over.

Done for

Today I just sat. I just sat there and listened to the sound of my tears hitting the floor. I messed up. I can't fix it. It will never be fixed. Not even if I say the magic words.

I just sat there and listened to my own pathetic whimpers and the slap of tears as they hit the ground. My vision was blurred and I couldn't see anything but a white cloudiness. I couldn't think. I didn't want to breathe. My nose ran. My eyes, for once in the mirror I finally saw all of the pain.

 I didn't want to think. I didn't want to think about the cuts. About the scars. About waking up and having to deal with it all over again.
And knowing that no one cares. That you cared with all your heart and now it's gone. Knowing that you can't save anything anymore. Knowing that everything has fallen to shreds. Knowing that and not even having to think about it when you're sitting there curled up on your bathroom floor.

That's the worst part.
 You don't have to think anymore to realize how bad the pain is. It's just always with you.

You can't fix it.
You can't get rid of it.
You can't block it.
You hide behind a mask.
Everyday.
Hoping that the end will be nearer than what you expected as a child.
Wanting the pain to go away.
Because your dreams all came crashing down.
And because of what you did, you know you are too.
You're done for.

No Sleep

Crying in my sleep again. I did last night for the first time in a couple months... I thought it went away finally but I guess I was wrong. When I cry in my sleep... that's how I know things are beyond repair in my life at that moment.

I'm saying sorry too much... but when you really mean it, it tends to sort of slip out multiple times... A lot.

Caring

Caring is hard. Caring about someone in particular is even harder. Because you know that when they're not ok, you won't be either. Being scared and worried about something that seems so small to others, but it seems to be the only thing you can think about. They absorb your mind, and capture your attention. To put it simply, it feels like you have placed your life in their hands, without even having a say in the matter. And then sometimes I wonder if it's possible to care too much... because if you didn't care, then you wouldn't have these problems in  the first place. Yet even through all of this pain... the only thing I want is for them to be better. I have stepped back from there life in order to make that happen. Yes, I admit it's hard... but even if it kills me, I know it will help. Even though I'm sick because of stress, even though I seem so angry and full of hate to so many people, I'm putting all of that aside and making sure that what is important to me has the chance to be happy. Because I forgot what happiness feels like, but it sounds amazing... and they deserve amazing.

Suicide--stop joking

You guys just don't fucking get it, do you?!  You always say, "oh yeah I know how suicide goes," or "they'll be fine," or "oh it'll pass, its not a big deal." Or you pretend to know... you pull the old, "Oh yeah, I'm sorry, I know how you feel" excuse out of your asses. BUT YOU DON'T FUCKING GET IT. You don't know what it feels like. You won't know until you feel that shitload of pain when you lose someone. All you feel is pain, and then it all goes numb. Completely numb. You feel nothing. You can't feel the pain, instead it just crushes your chest... you can't breathe; you can't think; you don't want to live; you don't know what to do; you become afraid to wake up everyday; and finally it all becomes too much.

Suicide doesn't just take it's toll on the person who's committed it. It effects everyone who knows them. People can pretend to understand, they can pretend they're worried and they can pretend what's going on. But they just don't fucking get it until it's too late. They don't get it and they certainly don't understand.

The worst part about everyday is knowing what that feeling is... knowing that at any moment one of the people I care about could drop off of the earth... and not knowing whether I could do something about it. Whether I have it in me to be able to save one more person that needs saving. I need saving, but no one's ever done that. So I need to be there. I need to be able to do it for others. But I'm worn down... and I've done so much... It's hard to fix things that are so wrong. To bring light into someone's life when all you see yourself is the dark.

                     I don't judge. I don't care if you think they're stupid because they want to die. What's stupid is making someone feel like they want to die. I'm going to stand by them even past the day I die. I want to make a difference to those who don't think they have anyone. I will love them. I do love them. And I will always fucking love them and nothing will ever change that.

that single person

There's always that one person that you think about... the one person who won't leave your head alone. The person you can't forget. How you feel for no one else. The one person that makes you feel like shit. The one who plays with your emotions, but you still come back to anyway. Cause one moment of happiness with them seems worth all that pain. The one person you continue to cry for, no matter how done you think you are with them.

sinking

That feeling that you get when you know you're lost.

Sea of lies

Sometimes there's so many lies and so many assumptions that the truth gets buried. It gets buried so deep that you lose sight of what you're going after. People get pushed away and feelings get broken. You feel like you can't breathe, and then you get piled up to your neck with lies. You don't know where to go or where to start, or where it all begins. You can't see the end of it all. You're completely lost and  you start to drown in it all. There's so many lies that you can't even panic. You can't panic because they're being told too fast; they're drowning you. You feel the suffering but manage to stay alive. You're gone. But you still see it all.